In Old Blue Jeans ~ Revised Version
In Old Blue Jeans ~ For Kim who likes it casual tooShe left her battered stationcar and crossedThe street that still had crusts of frozen snowIn both its gutters while she had me lostFor words and...
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Hi Dutch,I enjoyed the first scan of this, I'll read it more closely tomorrow.bon nuitAlan
View ArticleRe: In Old Blue Jeans ~ Revised Version
Crispin,In line 1, "no special one", leaves me to ask which cars are special. How about: "She left her ordinary car and crossed".In line 4 I am forced to ask: not in the know of WHAT?In the second...
View ArticleRe: In Old Blue Jeans ~ Revised Version
Hi Remco,Thanks for the close-reading!First of all: I've revised line 13 according to your suggestion:"Long legs in little boots and old blue jeans:"instead of:"Long legs, in little boots, in old blue...
View ArticleRe: In Old Blue Jeans ~ Revised Version
Crispin,A brief reaction to your response. "Intentionally irresponsible", "intentionally casual and informal", all very well, but if this leads to a poem that contains lines which can no longer be...
View ArticleRe: In Old Blue Jeans ~ Revised Version
Hiya Remco,Thanx for being tough! That's the spirit!I've rewritten line 8, 11 and 14. I hope it helps!Greetings, Crispin
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C.,In haste, but this revision of line 14...come on, you can do better that this!! Show, not tell....Regards,== Remco http://www.geocities.com/remcovdz
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Ouch! Ah well - rewrote the final line.Regards, Crispin
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Rewrote line 12 too:"These details only prone to disengage."Former version:"Such details now unable to engage."
View ArticleRe: In Old Blue Jeans ~ Revised Version
I like it, Dutch. Blondes and blue jeans always work for me. L1's "no special one" seems like it may just be a filler phrase,butblondes and blue jeans always work for meblondes and blue jeans always...
View ArticleRe: In Old Blue Jeans ~ Revised Version
C.,I feel that the closing couplet would be stronger if line 14 continued along the lines of line 13. It would end the sonnet giving the reader images of the beautiful blond, without a comment on the...
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Thanx, Michael!Remco--What about:"Long legs in little boots and old blue jeansShowed me the demons Mary Magdalene's." ??Regards, Crispin
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Hi Dutch,there's a few phrases and words in here I simply don't get.why 'while' in L3?L7 - 'to be sure' seems a bit of a filler phrase.L11 - why are the verses perverse?L12 - Why are the details prone...
View ArticleRe: In Old Blue Jeans ~ Revised Version
C.,Not sure about the grammar of your last proposal for line 14, but it is the direction I think you should go. The awkward grammar is a bit rhyme driven I feel. Ah well, this puzzling and revising is...
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DC--she left her _________ (fill in the blank). Mazzerati? Ford Explorer? stationwagon? The devils in the details, & so's the characterization. When you start off saying it doesn't matter which...
View ArticleRe: In Old Blue Jeans ~ Revised Version
Hi Alan, Remco & Mike,Thanx for the feedback! Above the "final version"!Regards, Crispin
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Excellent, Dutch.You are the Poet of the Blonde.Regards,David
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